Wednesday, September 8, 2010

And so it begins...

My mother is pissed at us. Oh, she wouldn't say so, but we knew she was.

It was Cousins Day and Kathy didn't come. Her husband called in the morning to say she hadn't been able to breathe all night and so he was taking her to the emergency room. Peach was already at my mother's, so I drove down by myself.

We had a nice afternoon. We chatted until noon and then had lunch. We played 65 all afternoon. Last month Kathy wasn't able to come either, so we decided not to call it Cousins Day and not to play 65, but we missed it, so we called it Cousins Day and we played 65.

The day was punctuated with telephone calls from my mother's friends all wishing her a happy birthday. She was tickled whenever a phone call came (she was particularly surprised and delighted when she got a call from Walt's sister!), or when the mail arrived and she added to her collection of greeting cards.

91Gift.jpg  (66907 bytes)Peach had given her a bunch of lottery tickets which they rubbed off together. I took some nice video, but somehow my video is not working (it won't burn to my computer), so I have to figure out how to fix that before I make a birthday video.

But she recently lost the blade to her Cuisinart, which she uses for making stuffed eggs and for chopping onions, so I had gotten her a medium-sized Cuisinart at Costo and though she had made a big fuss about not wanting any more stuff (put as much emphasis and disgust into that word as you can to get the full effect), she was thrilled to have a working Cuisinart again.

We had champagne cocktails and popcorn for hors d'oeuvres and then continued playing 65. It was my time. Over the two days, I won 4 games, tied one game with Peach and my mother won two games.

Our cousin Denise came for dinner. She is actually first cousin, once removed, daughter of our cousin Shirley, who died several years ago. Denise is a lovely, giving person, but things are just "different" when the third person isn't Kathy. The chemistry is different

Peach had made a delicious dinner.

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It was meat loaf, baked potatoes and a fresh tomato pie. We had the second bottle of champagne I'd brought with dinner.

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For dessert, I'd picked up a cake here in Davis and some candles.

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But then there was today. And that's what I really wanted to talk about. I'm glad that my mother no longer has internet access because it frees me to talk about her.

Her short term memory loss is getting worse and worse. It hasn't reached a dangerous point yet but the "thing" that happened was that my mother made a mistake in one round of our first game this morning. The mistake resulted in her getting a lot of points for that round (in this game you want to have the fewest possible points). She insisted that she had done one thing and Peach and I had seen her do something else. It seemed a simple matter, but she was pissed. She had a scowl on her face and all the levity was gone for that game. We were going to leave after that first game, but I suggested we play a second game, hoping that would make things better. We did, but the mood was definitely broken.

When we left, she walked us out to the car, but the darkness was still on her face. EVERY time I get ready to leave, she gives a big kiss and says "drive safely; you've got my kid in that car" and she laughs. She didn't say that this time. She almost didn't turn around to wave at us, but throughout her life, hospitality has been at the core of everything she does, so though she was pissed, she waved half-heartedly. The big smile was not there.

I don't know if she's mad at us because she thinks we ganged up on her, or if she's angry at herself. It's irrelevant. The problem is that the short term memory loss has become much more pronounced in the last few weeks. Peach found the oven left on and burners left on when she was staying with her. Only once each, but they were left on. She couldn't remember what was the wild card in 65. The wild card is the number of cards you have. If you have 3 cards, the wild card is 3; if you have 4 cards, the wild card is 4 and so on. In the 3 round with 3 cards in her hand, she asked if kings were wild. After dinner last night she asked if I really had to drive home or if I could spend the night.

Nothing was big. Nothing was serious, but each time it's a little bit of an escalation. Peach and I talked about it all the way home. The time is coming when she's not going to be able to stay in her own home and since she is so fiercely proud of her independence and absolutely hates any suggestion that she might be "old," moving her into any sort of an assisted living facility will, literally kill her.

I guess what I'm curious about from those of you who have been in this position is...when do you know. When does it get so worrisome that you have to convince a parent that they can't live alone any more. I keep hoping she will die in her sleep before we have to face this. It's not time now, but each time we get together, each time Peach spends time with her, it becomes more obvious that we are on the edge of "the time" and I am going through foreign territory here. How do you know? How do you deal with it? When do you approach the subject?

I remember several years ago that my mother told me she ever got to where she repeated herself all the time to tell her. But her short term memory loss is so great that even if I told her (which would mortify her), she wouldn't remember. There are several stories that she tells over and over again every time we get together. We all laugh and pretend she's never told them before, but she does it every time. How can I tell her this and make her aware of what she is doing? I don't know.

So I'm just hoping to open up a dialog here with all of you and ask you to give me your experiences. How do you know? What do you do? I'm going to write to her doctor for advice though she has to be on death's door before she'll see her doctor, so I don't know if there is any help there.

I knew this day would come and I hate that it's finally here.

8 comments:

harrietv said...

Strangely enough, I never had that problem with my mother. Though she was sure she wouldn't last long without my dad, she did indeed live ten years longer. She put herself into assisted living. A couple of her sisters did the same thing.

As for my husband, whom we put into a nursing home last year, I don't know when it started. I would have said three or four years ago, but looking through my journal shows that it was much longer. And thinking back as much as twenty years ago, yeah, he might have been losing it then.

Despite all the research, we still don't know nearly enough. There are just too many variables.

Mary Z said...

I'm so sorry, Bev - it's certainly something most of us have to face. Of course, the best would be like Harriet's mom - where she recognized that it was what she needed.

My best advice would be to be sure all the legalities were in place, in case you really did have to take matters into your own hands (power of attorney, medical power of attorney, etc.). And something may happen to jeopardize her safety that makes it mandatory to do something - even without her permission or cooperation.

When John was dealing with his father, he asked some trusted folks for advice. Both told him that probably events would make the decision for him, and that he would ultimately do the right thing at the time. And that's indeed what happened.

I just hope we can recognize when it's our turn, so our girls don't have to make the decision.

Kwizgiver said...

I'm glad you were able to enjoy most of the visit. It is tough when our parents start to fail.

::mingle::

Mary Z said...

John wanted me to add a couple of things. First was to get involved with an Alzheimer's support group. Even if she's just experiencing another type of dementia, it's good to know that other folks have been where you are. And to hear how they handled the problem (whatever it was). You can always learn from those who've already been at that place on the road...and you can help those who come in later.

The other thing is to learn to lie. If her short term memory is gone, she won't remember what happened before, and you can avoid a lot of conflict. Reasoning doesn't really work...just agree, and then do what you know is the right thing. It probably won't get noticed.

cd0103 said...

And check this out- I agree with Mary Z and John-- check out support groups. We moved my husband's father in with us, uninformed, when we thought he was in early stages and it was really late stages.

This is a good site.
http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_stages_of_alzheimers.asp#stage1

I know your mom is proud and will hide things from you. Kim's dad did that, so we left him alone for two years when we probably should not have.

Any-way-- good luck! I feel for you.

Unknown said...

Bev - My mom was very independent, lived alone in her house, and dearly loved her garden. Her mind was good, but she began having mobility problems with worsening arthritis; her hips got so bad that she had to have a walker. (Her dr didn't think it was "time" to see an ortho about hip replacement until it was almost too late.....but that's another issue...) When it got to the point that she could not get out of her home without me, we began to talk to her about assisted living, which did not please her...at all. She could navigate in the house, but could not get down the front or back steps, without a lot of help. I worried that she could not get out if she had a fire, etc..... One night she fell....trying to hold on to the walker and change a light bulb. (Miss Independent) She was not injured, but could not pull herself up. I lived an hour away, and Emily was living in Florida, so it wasn't as if either of us could get to her quickly if anything happened. When she fell, I went to her as soon as I could (even tho it was after midnight) but she had to wait, on the floor for an hour. She was so lucky that she was not hurt, but it scared me so bad that I pretty much put my foot down about assisted living. We found her a nice place, but it was still SO, SO hard. It was absolutely the best thing for her, but it was hard.
BTW, because she had a little confusion, the doctor put her on Aricept, which is used a good bit for Alzheimers patients. It REALLY helped her a lot. (Actually, when she died, her mind was sharper than mine....not saying much but....)

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} -

~Barb

cd0103 said...

@Babs- I forgot about Aricept. It is supposed to have very good results on early stage Alz.

Jennifer said...

No advice, but it must be so hard to watch happen. Sorry, Bev.